Cracked Soda Cola Honest Ads Translation

I want to help Cola addicts with a translation of an anti-commercial, and I also look at a poor translation of the “new Rasputins” article.
Aşa Grăit-a Zamo.ca (noua generatie), the descendant of a Dacian God, Zalmoxis; teme personale, culturale şi sociale din Toronto. Patria mé îi limba romgleză. Formerly asa.zamo.ca and Also Sprach Zamolxis - new and improved or New Generation